Welcome to the newest audience-participation gameshow, Why is Jen Face-First in a Bottle of Shiraz? It’s the newest game, where the audience gets to guess just why Jen is cradling her favorite wine glass (you don’t have a fave? shut up) and adding more head-shaped dents to the ones already in her desk. Is everyone ready? Here we go!
You, over there in the corner. What’s your guess?
“Is Jen still recovering from A’s “lose-his-shit-apalooza” of yesterday?
Good guess, but the wine from last night pretty much handled that little episode. Especially when combined with Green and Black’s Hazelnut and Current Chocolate. You, a few rows back, what do you suppose?
“I think it was J’s first experience with a ginormous splinter and resulting freak-out this morning.”
Nice try, but remember that Jen is an experienced mom. If it’s not blood, bones, or fire, it’s handled with nary an eyebrow raise. Over there, have a guess?
“Ooh, I know! It was Rosie’s “kling-on” that Jen noticed had been wiped onto her couch!”
Thank you so much for making all of us throw up a little in our mouths. Now we all need wine. No, Jen just went and got the Bac-Out and got it cleaned up. Really, audience, this is the best you can do? This is Jen’s day, every day. You, there, laughing with not a care in the world.
“Jen sat on her ass all day working on her computer answering every.single.email. in her inbox, turned around, and there were a bunch new ones! And she ordered 377 photos from Shutterfly after ensuring that they all had the correct descriptor on the back! And met with an insurance agent! Now she just wants to kick back and take it easy tonight.”
Ooh, good try. Going for the “life was so easy today that kicking back to celebrate sounds fiiine.” No. One more…you, the one in the corner, rocking and clutching a wine bottle and muttering to yourself. You look like you might have a reasonable guess!
“The boy…the boy…he’s going to be the death of me. Little shit left school and went to a friend’s house without telling us. I called the school, they couldn’t find him. Husband ran around the neighborhood, he couldn’t find him. I was minutes from calling the police when he called. (incomprehensible mumbling) (big gulp from bottle) At my wits’ end. Can’t take much more. Everyone lied. Everyone lied. (more mumbling) They said it would get easier as he got older. They lied. Where’s the fucking chocolate?”
DingDingDingDing!!!!! We have a winner! Granted, it’s Jen herself, but given that the Grand Prize was a case of wine, we’re not going to argue. We…we don’t want to get between Jen and wine on a day such as this. Thanks to everyone for playing today, on the new gameshow Why is Jen Face-First in a Bottle of Shiraz? See you all next time!!!
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