An “only in Iowa” contest!

Iowa is a different world. I can see it as an outsider, as someone who lived there for a ungodly long year, as someone married to a native Iowan. If you’ve ever seen The Music Man, you have a good sense of the state. Things don’t change there (which is why Tom and I were stunned past words that they ushered in Barack Obama, the very definition of change).

While we were on our OmigodpleaseletthistripendIwantmyownbed two weeks on the road, I snapped shots of things you’ll only see in Iowa. Things like:

world's largest truck stop

‘Tis the World’s Largest Truck Stop! On I-80! It wants you to Stop to See! And things like:

ricky receptacle

Polite trash cans at the rest stops! Ricky Receptacle says THANK YOU and wants your trash! Nom nom nom…

But the very best of the best had to be saved for last, and in honor of my third blogoversary on the 8th, it’s

An Only In Iowa Contest!!!!!

I need new names for the following. Please, I cannot be held responsible, please swallow any food or beverage. Put small children to bed. Cover Grandma’s eyes (unless she’s like my mom, then let her play). If at work, close your door. Ready?

Kum & Go

This is a chain of gas station/convenience stores in Iowa. Stores all over the state. Their motto is “We go all out.” (It just gets better and better, doesn’t it?) When Tom first took me back to his hometown, I about wet myself laughing. I had never heard of this store, and the name is flat-out hysterical after eight hours in the car. Hell, it’s hysterical no matter what. He then filled me in on some of the “alternate” names for the stores. “Squirt & Split” is just one, there are many more.

And here is where you come in, dear readers. Tom and I need new “alternate” names for this chain. Ones we can use to break up the 14 hour drive between home and his hometown. Ones we can share with his brother, who has about the best sense of humor I’ve ever encountered and needs to start his own blog. Ones that make us laugh wine out our noses.

The prize?


Your very own Kum & Go travel coffee mug (plastic wrapped for your protection) and a $15 iTunes gift card, so you can download your very favorite double-entendre rock songs (Tom recommends Aerosmith’s “Love in an Elevator”  and Van Halen’s “Hot For Teacher”)! Contest is open until 11:59 mountain standard time (’cause that’s where I live and I really don’t want to do time-zone math) on January 7th. Winner will be announced on January 8th, my 3 year blogoversary. Awww, ain’t it swell how it all works out like that? Entries will be judged on creativity and “squirt wine out the nose”ness. My dear husband Tom is the judge, as he is the native Iowan and has heard many, many “alternate” names for this chain. Bonus points if it’s one he’s never heard before.

Good luck! Damn, I can’t wait to hear what y’all kum come up with!


30 Responses

  1. Here is my name…

    “Ejaculate and Evacuate.”

  2. I’m not clever enough to come up with an entry, but damn that’s funny.

  3. Too fun – I am all over it and will write back soon. I am from Minnesota now in the south. Haven’t noticed those stores there when we visit. Perhaps I could open one there!

  4. They have these in Cheyenne Wyoming. I just about had a wreck the first time I saw one.

    I don’t think that anybody can top Dirk’s entry…but how about Semen and Sayonara, or Semen and Scoot…or better yet…Shoot and Scoot!

    By-the-way, I’m dropping by via Robin at Around the Island.

  5. Dear god, reading the store website was like watching a train wreck in slow motion – I didn’t want to see any more, but I couldn’t take my eyes off it… I must think some more about an alternative. The original is bad enough… wow.

  6. How about Pee and Flee?

  7. ROFL!! Being from SE Minnesota, I’ve seen and heard of these. I’ll have to think of something, if I can find my witty side. So I may be back.

  8. […] to me mrsvierkant on An “only in Iowa”…Queenie on An “only in Iowa”…Dawn on MDI on An “only in […]

  9. Oh my gosh! Shoot and Scoot made me laugh wine out my nose and I’m not even *drinking* wine!

  10. Hey You’s – Guys maybe “Semen and Leav’em” or “Copulate & Skate” or “Nail and Bail,” “Trash & Dash, “Bam & Scram, “Inn & Out,” “Pas de Deux & Pas de Don’t,” “Banana Shake & Banana Split,” or “Puss & Boot .”

  11. How about…Came and Went?

  12. I forgot to mention that I think the polite trash cans are quite lovely!

  13. I love Nail & Bail!!! Too funny.

    Also, there is an awesome burger chain in California called In & Out Burger. YUM.

  14. LOL! We also call those: Ejaculate and Evacuate stations when we drive through Iowa!!! 🙂

  15. Seriously. You’re keeping me awake at night. I had this thought right before I was about to sail off to dreamland:

    Kum & Go: Where our mugs kum in prophylactics.

    Who wraps their mugs anyway?!?!?! I’ve gotten plenty from Starbucks, naked as a J-Bird.

  16. Oh man, Libby beat me to Shoot and Scoot. I give up.

    Now you get my B List. Jizz and Jam? Jet and Jet? Blow and Stow? That last one doesn’t even make sense. See, I told you it’s the B List…

  17. I have a few that go with “Kum & Go”:

    1) Leavin’ Semen’s

    2) Whack ‘n’ Walk

    3) Paris Hilton

  18. Man o man – if by some weird chance that I win this presitgious competition…please email me.!!! PLEASE Don’t leave a comment about it on my blog!!!

    If you left a comment on my blog…my children would head on over here and check the contest out. Life for me would never be the same:( Seriously…I’ve got ten kids, 4 kids-in-law, 13 grandchildren…One child would die of humiliation if it was found out the I even uttered the “S” word or knew what the “K” word implied.

    Being the matriarch of a huge, religious, ultra conservative family, rests heavily on my shoulders (are you feeling sorry for me yet?) But dang – this contest has given me some belly laughs!

  19. All I can think of is, “Leave the money on the nightstand on your way out.” Not very catchy, but the original name keeps making me think of hookers.

    Happy New Year!

  20. I swear we had one of those in Rifle when we lived there, and now I see there’s a couple in Glenwood. Can you imagine their board meetings?

  21. […] to me Andrea on An “only in Iowa”…Heather on An “only in Iowa”…melissaz on Day of rest, my as…hey, […]

  22. Slam & Scram, Dump & Dash, Jiz & Jet, Blow & Blow/Go, Spoo & Shoo. The last is my favorite!

  23. I’m not clever enough to enter but I just have to tell you how much your post made me laugh!

  24. […] to me Aly @ Lip Zip on An “only in Iowa”…Poetikat on I met the SNL Target Lady…cursingmama on I met the SNL Target […]

  25. Jack’n’Off

  26. Fine. Per your request, I’ve come up with some others:

    1) Goo & Go

    2) Seed ‘n’ Flee

    3) Seminal Vesuviation ‘n’ Vacate the Premises

    4) Spooge & Vamoose

    5) Blow ‘n’ Go

    6) Ejaculate & Evacuate

    7) Choking the Bald Guy Until He Pukes & Going to Get the Janitor

    FYI, a couple of these might be tough to fit inside a logo.

  27. yikes.. familar sites from this transplanted New Yaaawker to Montana 🙂 LOL

    how’s about
    Crack’in the Crotch (Jack in the Box)
    LUcky LIl’s
    gp in mt

  28. I’m not entering but I am slightly revolted.

  29. […] to me Elizabeth on An “only in Iowa”…mtinnkeeper on An “only in Iowa”…moooooog35 on An “only in […]

  30. I’m way late to the comment party but just wanted to let you know that I may or may not be from that lovely state…and I sent you an email with what a lot of the locals call it.

    This is a family show, so I won’t repeat it here. 😉

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