I totally stole this…’cause she told me to…

I totally ripped this off from Mamacita. Hey, she gave permission! But you can steal from me too. Have a great weekend.

The Rules: Bold (Ok, I can’t get the blasted thing to bold, so I’m doing red) the things you can do and you leave in normal type the things you can’t. Sarcastic comments in parenthesis are encouraged.


1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. (No one listens to my advice, including myself)

2. Tell if someone is lying. (Uh, I have kids. Nuff said)

3. Take a photo. (How good of a photo. I take a decent snapshot, but if you want real pics, I’m not your gal. Yet)

4. Score a baseball game. (I know enough to check the stats in the paper every morning and that’s all I’ll say about that)

5. Name a book that matters. (See that building? It’s a library. Find a book in there. It matters. You’re asking the woman who walked out of the library this morning with 7 new book to join the 2 I’m reading right now. Ahh…summer)

6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. (I used to. Mostly classical groups.)

7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill. (Um, hi? That square thing is an oven. It cooks things. And see #5? Go to that building and get a book about cooking. You’ll be fine.)

8. Not monopolize the conversation. (I only monopolize the conversation on this here blog)

9. Write a letter. (Sigh…I’ll do it, but no promises you’ll be able to read my handwriting)

10. Buy a suit. (Why do I need one? I suppose I should have one, but there’s no reason for me to have one right now)

11. Swim three different strokes. (Badly: front crawl, side crawl, backstroke)

12. Show respect without being a suck-up. (I learned this a loooooong time ago)

13. Throw a punch. (Huh. Don’t know if I can, have never had to! LOL!)

14. Chop down a tree. (If it’s one of the ones in my front yard, I could chop it down with my kitchen shears)

15. Calculate square footage. (Hey! Something math I can do! But I need someone to double check my math)

16. Tie a bow tie. (Why?)

17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. (Hi, liquor store! Can I get a case of wine, please?)

18. Speak a foreign language. (I used to be totally fluent in Spanish and have unfortunately lost most of it. I think I’ll get it back as the boys start getting more Spanish in school)

19. Approach a woman/man out of his/her league. (I need to do this, why? I’m married)

20. Sew a button. (Yeah, pretty much the only sewing I can do)

21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. (Uh, no)

22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn’t have to ask after it. (Wow. I missed this day in Life Education 101. See #19)

23. Be loyal. (To a fault. But f*ck with me and it’s over)

24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. (I’ll have what she’s having…or a mojito, if I remember)

25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. (This is why there are contractors…and husbands)

26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat. (Again, why? I have no desire to sit outside in the sun, getting eaten by mosquitoes, getting sunburned…)

27. Play gin with an old guy. (No one will play cards with me)

28. Play go fish with a kid. (Can I play gin with the kid?)

29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped. (My brain hurts)

30. Feign interest. (Mm-hmm…interesting…really?…no kidding!)

31. Make a bed. (With hospital corners and everything; I was a candy-striper in high school. Yes, my husband’s fantasy come to life. Do I actually make a bed like that? No…the men make the beds)

32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. (Red. Wet. Good)

33. Hit a jump shot in pool. (Nope, but I learned to play pool when I was four, in the back room of my grandparents’ tavern)

34. Dress a wound. (Have a boo-boo? I have neosporin and a Finding Nemo bandaid. Oh…you mean a real wound? Call 911 or go bang on the neighbor’s door; she’s an ER nurse)

35. Jump-start a car. Change a flat tire. Change the oil. (No, no, and no. Honda 24 hour service for me, thanks. I should probably learn how to do these, however)

36. Make three different bets at a craps table. (Why?)

37. Shuffle a deck of cards. (Amuses my kids to no end)

38. Tell a joke. (Does it have to be clean?)

39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack. (Huh?)

40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he/she will hear. (Please, tell me how!)

41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear. (Do I have to show cleavage?)

42. Talk to a dog so it will hear. (No dog…yet)

43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help. (Good Lord, I think I may be worthless here…)

44. Ask for help. (I am terrible about asking for help)

45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist. (A solid kick to the jewels should do it…)

46. Tell a woman’s dress size. (As in guess? Or tell everyone what size it is? I can’t do either)

47. Recite one poem from memory. (I can recite about half of the Jabberwocky)

48. Remove a stain. (Two boys!! I’m queen of stain removal)

49. Say no. (Getting so much better at doing this)

50. Fry an egg sunny-side up. (I can, but I don’t eat eggs…)

51. Build a campfire. (Huh. I don’t know if I can)

52. Step into a job no one wants to do. (Uh, I’m a mom, that’s the job description)

53. Sometimes, kick some ass. (See #52)

54. Break up a fight. (See #52)

55. Point to the north at any time. (Look at those purty mountains. They’re west. Turn your head to the right; that’s north. In Chicago…look at the beeyuuutiful lake. That’s east. Turn your head to the left; that’s north. Easy peasy!)

56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. (I don’t have playlists for me)

57. Explain what a light-year is. (And have, to my scientist son)

58. Avoid boredom. (Only boring people get bored)

59. Write a thank-you note. (Wish I’d get some in return…)

60. Be brand loyal to at least one product. (But I’m drawing a blank as to what it is…)

61. Cook bacon. (Bake it in the oven. You remember, that square thing I spoke of in #7?)

62. Hold a baby. (Mmmm…new baby smell…)

63. Deliver a eulogy. (Never have, hopefully won’t have to any time soon)

64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch. (Wow, this one came out of nowhere)

65. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. (Just don’t judge me on distance)

66. Throw a football with a tight spiral. (Thankfully neither boy is interested in football)

67. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably. (You’d think I could, given my Amazon-woman height)

68. Find his/her way out of the woods if lost. (Please, God, let my cell phone work)

69. Tie a knot. (Shoes. Learned it in kindergarten)

70. Shake hands. (Complete with fistbump)

71. Iron a shirt. (But I don’t)

72. Stock an emergency bag for the car. (I have a small shovel in the back of my van, which amused my friends until we used it to dig ourselves out of a snowbank)

73. Caress a woman’s neck. (Yeah, see #22)

74. Know some birds. (Other than red, big, and the damned robins?)

75. Negotiate a better price. (Uh, no)

Advertisements

6 Responses

  1. Iron a shirt? Sigh. How about 10 shirts–that’s what’s waiting for me in my ironing basket right now.

  2. Hysterical! This was a great Saturday morning read!

  3. great one.. some of those were definitely LOL with a little help from your (sarcasm here).

  4. I once cooked some fish in the dish washer. Seems there is a way and I thought I knew how. Apparently I did not.

    This list is all over the map. Like you, I thought where the Hell did that come from, when I read the Chris Columbus one.

  5. Hey, what’s this about damned Robins?!?!?!?

  6. Christopher Columbus – son of a bitch? Explain.

    KEEP BELIEVING

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: