Jen’s Top 3 ways to embarrass yourself so thoroughly that you’ll wish you were walking down the street naked in a freezing January Colorado evening instead of in orchestra rehearsal

1. Play piccolo. It’s loud, you can’t miss it, and there’s only one in the ensemble. That way, when you piss down your leg repeatedly, everyone knows it was you.

2. Practice the part, working on the hard licks most. Lather, rinse, repeat. Practice time is limited, due to children, various responsibilities, and the fact that the ability to concentrate for longer than thirty seconds is attached to a protein that is apparently in the placenta, gone forever after giving birth.

3. Eff up the exposed piccolo riffs in rehearsal so many times and in so many ways that the conductor asks what he can do to help. The only acceptable response is “I’ll have it by the next rehearsal.” Duck down behind the music stand to avoid the daggers being stared at you by the 100+ person ensemble. Call husband at the break to order him to put a bottle of wine in the fridge, no, it doesn’t matter what kind, as long as it is cold and already open when you get home.

And now, I must get back to that self-esteem bashing bitch piccolo.

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9 Responses

  1. Oh man. Ouch.

    Hang in there kiddo. You WILL have it down by the next rehearsal.

  2. I recommend locking the kids in the car while your in the house – that should increase your practice time.

    Not really.

    Well, Maybe

    Kidding!

    Jeepers – I’m sure by the next practice you’ll be the best piccolo player in the whole Orchestra. (I do realize you’re the only one, but I’m trying to be supportive here…. )

  3. I’m not so sure about the pissing down your leg thing. Is that for real or is that some sort of musical term?

  4. LMAO! You’re lucky I swallowed my water before I started reading!

    Hang in there!

  5. You can do eet!

  6. Practice, then down the wine and sleep on it. Let your sleeping brain do the work of what you just practiced. It will be better by tomorrow.

  7. Though I’m sorry to hear about your piccolo woes, I can’t get over being impressed that you’re in an orchestra ensemble!

    Keep on practicing, don’t give up! And eat lots of chocolate. Chocolate always helps. šŸ™‚

  8. Jen – sorry rehersals didn’t go so well…but how was tonight’s performance?

  9. […] I have to keep reminding myself that in the grand scheme of things we’re in good shape. We’re happy (usually), healthy (for the most part) and have a roof overhead. But it’s the little things that are getting to me. Nothing earth-shattering, merely soul-bruising. Things like finding out we owe an unholy amount in federal taxes this year, after years of getting a refund. A refund that really would have come in handy this year to pay off the medical bills from A’s first endoscopy last fall. Things like losing my cell phone on Friday night because I had an Alzheimer’s moment and left it in the movie theater bathroom. Luckily I have a tenacious husband who went back Saturday morning and found it, saving me the time and trouble of replacing it…and having to put off my iPhone lust even longer. Things like getting a terse letter in the mail today, telling me that my services are not needed for the Colorado Mahlerfest this year. Oh, and thanks for your years of service. I don’t know whose shoe I pissed in, but when you need six flutes for the symphony and they let an experienced flutist go, someone is ticked. That one really hurts; it’s the only gig I play all year and feeds my soul for the other 11 1/2 months. I suspect that rehearsal last year hurt me. […]

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