I take this solemn vow


(Raising my right hand, the left on a new box of Mr. Clean Magic Erasers)

I, Jen, solemnly swear to never, ever, install textured flooring anywhere in my house ever again.

I swear to never have vinyl.

I swear to hold to my ears and sing “la la la” when quoted the price for wood laminate on the entire first floor.

I swear to not be swayed by 12×12 tiles for the bathroom, for the laundry room, for the front entry.

For textured flooring is evil. Textured flooring traps grime that cannot be removed without getting down on the prayer bones and scrubbing with steel wool. Textured flooring is the work of the devil.

Textured flooring that mimics gray tile is the most demonic of all. “Gray tile” textured flooring gives the impression of hiding the grime, but only hides it well enough to get it past the point of no removal.

As Mr. Clean as my witness, I make this solemn vow.

Go to pieces. Clean your floor.

Amen.

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