Dear So and So: The Fragmented Edition

Friday Fragments?

Dear So and So...
I’m combining my awesome brainpower to do two, yes TWO, meme thingamabobs in one post. Yes, please, bow to my awesomeness, for it shall not return again. I will have burnt out the aweso…ah…let’s fragment with a letter, shall we?

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Dear Mother Nature: Thanks for finally hitting middle age and having a couple of hot flashes. It’s been awfully cold and rainy for a Colorado summer and my garden was a sad affair. Since you shared your Own Personal Summer with us this week, my garden has perked up and is finally sharing its bounty with us. Tomatoes abound, the basil waves seductively in the breeze, the mint begs to be Mojitoed. It is Friday, after all…Mojitos in 3…2…1…  Uh, where was I? Ah, yes, the delicious bounty of a garden in a sultry summer. However, I believe you may have outdone yourself with the broccoli:

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This would be the World’s Largest Broccoli Crown. There are two smaller ones as well. We are set on broccoli for a few days, methinks. Thanks, Ma Nature.

Off to make a cheese sauce…

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Dear Person Parked Next to Me: Your bumper sticker? Awesomeness with adhesive backing: “Nuttier than a squirrel turd.” You put a smile on my face and gave me the best line for describing my life.

Gonna find a way to work that into conversation,

The Squirrel Turd Nut

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Dear Blind Guy on the Segway in the crosswalk:

Dude, I saw you last year and about drove the MomVan into a ditch. I give you huge props for getting around, but as I don’t know you, you scare the crap out of me. At least this time you had a helmet and neon orange vest on, in addition to your walking stick. How…uh…the hell? I walk across a bare floor and find the sole Lego or break a toe on nothing and you’re rockin’ the Segway. Just promise me you won’t go any faster than you can see to stop…wait…that’s the rule about driving in heavy fog. Just…be careful.

From the lady who still can’t believe her eyes when she sees you crossing heavy traffic.

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Dear self when driving:

Watch your mouth when driving with the boys in the car, or you’ll find that the $%@^Q@#$^ driver who turned right in front of you as you legally zipped through a yellow light is your pastor and the dad of one of A’s best friends.

Frak it all anyway…

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Dear counselors at church camp:

You guys rock. You took my boys for a week, kept them happy and me sane, and despite the hour round trip drive, it was fantastic. However. Someone explain to me the details of the game “Mafiosos” the boys were trying to tell me about???

Peace out.

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Dear Starbucks:

I hear that you have a new concept store that serves wine and beer. I know you have only one store, and that it’s in Seattle. Think out of the box! May I suggest that your next location be suburban? Like, by my house? There’s a brand new restaurant-ready building a couple of blocks away, on a golf course, between two huge subdivisions!!! On a highway no less! Caffeine in the morning, wine and book clubs in the evening! Make me happy, Starbucks! I ask not much!

Waiting for my Irish Coffee…

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Dear body:

Enough already. Enough. After a phone-tag game so lengthy the assistants were commenting on it, my endocrinologist and I finally connected. My numbers? High-normal. Thyroid is a-ok, body, so WTF? Why was yesterday so bad? I should not crash hard in the middle of the day after a full-night’s sleep. And what’s with the sensation of vibrating when I was crashing? Like…buzzzzzzzzzzzzz…total stop for a heartbeat…buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…for hours! Uncool, body, uncool.

Gonna figure it out and whip your sorry ass into shape…

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Dear Universe:

Mojito time.

Love and kisses,

Jen

6 Responses

  1. Mojito time!!! Bring it on!

  2. That broccoli head is ginormous! Cool! :)

    A blind guy on a Segway? That’s…cool and scary all at the same time! :)

    A game called “Mafiosos” at a church camp? I’d be wondering about that, too…in fact, I am! :)

    Of course Starbucks comes up with something way cool after I’ve moved away from the Seattle area… Hopefully they’ll expand East… :)

    Bring on the Mojito’s! :) Happy Friday! :)

  3. Really? He was blind and on a segway??? Amazing. Congrats on the broccoli. Finally, a good use for hot flashes.

  4. I loved these! Especially loved the squirrel turds bumper sticker-way funny! Glad you got all of this off your chest. Let me know if you get any replies :)

  5. In reference to your Dear Body; my thyroid also checked out fine, still falling asleep in my chair mid-afternoon. Have finally given in to the thought that, gulp, it might be the beginning of The Change.

    Kill me. Kill me, now.

  6. Mmmmmmm! Mojitos!!!

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